I am not surprised

I'm not at all in shock that I would choose to further complicate my life by getting involved with an old flame.
I am not surprised that it's turned out to be a rollercoaster ride of emotion, that I can range from glowing happiness to stark despair in the span of a few hours.
It doesn't surprise me that I've thrown my soul into a relationship that didn't work the first time around, considering my reflection on the act and also my stubborn mindset.

What surprises me is how glaringly I miss him, after 11 months of barely speaking.

I read over some of our conversations last night. I thought it would be nice, but instead it just made me vaguely uneasy. Seeing myself, in earnest, aching to speak with him and holding it back.
"I like being your friend," I told him many times. For how could I tell him the whole truth? And now, fast-forward to February 2006, and we're back to being blisteringly in love and too far apart. Our whirlwind weekend in Toronto and his visit to Waterloo have just left me frustrated because I've seen him and been with him again and I remember my obsession. It's re-kindled old fires that have the potential to run wild.

We were always too far apart, even when we lived in neighbouring towns.
I know I felt smothered because he used to call me all the time, but now he doesn't call me at all and I miss it.
Am I just being selfish? Clearly I cannot make the relationship conform to some ideal that I make up.

What used to strangle me, I now yearn for.